I know I don’t like it. Change. Some people thrive on change. Some changes are good. Some changes are just plain hard. But with all types of changes comes a chance to look at reality. No matter the type of change, whether if it’s a relationship, new home, leaving a job (by choice or not), a death, a new brand of coffee you had to start getting because your favorite is discontinued, it all requires some form of transition. Saying good-bye to some things. Saying hello to new thoughts and feelings. Sometimes those feelings are heavy and confusing, while others might be complete bliss. Even with complete bliss there’s many things our minds think about because we miss some aspects of a life we used to know.
Looking back in my own life I have grieved something at every transition point. Although, I guess I never really associated the word grief to life changes. I think in my own head I didn’t want to bring any disrespect to someone who lost a family member or someone close to them by saying I am grieving something. But grief is held in many situations in life not just death. Grief is loss. Period. In any situation. And feelings abound. I feel angry when my favorite coffee shops close because I connected with the drink and the people there on such a personal level. I feel a huge void when a pet dies and I don’t hear the jingle of their collar anymore in the house. When a relationship ends, I miss the little idiosyncrasies of the individual, the way they touched my arm or made me laugh. Even if you are the one making the choice to make a change that doesn’t mean you loved anything less. But you still need to get used to life without something and now something new.
I go through grief every year as a teacher. I don’t think teachers talk about this a lot. I work very hard to create trusting, safe working relationships with my students. I learn what makes them tick. After awhile I can tell when they don’t feel well, or something is up. Besides the schoolwork, you genuinely want them to flourish in life, to learn how to work through things and grow as a human being. Just when harmony becomes present about three-fourths into the year I start to get that gnawing feeling in my stomach that I will never know what happens to most of them when they go on to the next grade and graduate into life. It’s a huge good-bye. And every beginning of summer I feel weird. Lots of mixed emotions all at once. Unsettledness, frustration, sadness, sometimes guilt, along with pure bliss that I will have more time to go hiking. This year with COVID, I didn’t even get a chance to end things in a decent closure. It’s a rather icky feel. So, we sit in the icky-ness for a while. Grief is like that. No matter the situation it’s all real. It’s all true. It’s all a process of the evolution of the heart. And it’s all okay.
Another example is when we had to begin taking online classes for the Heart Revival. I struggled, especially with the technology issues that wasn’t anyone’s faults. But I was getting mad. They are cutting out! My screen is freezing up! What is that noise in the background? It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. And yet, while I was purging what I was used to, I kept telling myself, but this is important. This is important. This is important. Why? Because, if you take away all the computer ick, I need this. I need that connection with others. I need to see cats staring at me from other people’s homes as I do yoga. I need people sitting beside me even if it is a face on the screen. It is still genuine. It is still real. It is still true. We still care. We still want to love. And we still want people there to walk us home, together. It was hard at first. Then after about three weeks I started getting into the groove taking more classes and setting a schedule. I began seeing the same faces and I became more comfortable with the situation. I saw a community. I saw Sangha. I have found safety in what is turning out to be my every day now. I have people I can just sit and be with just as I am even if they don’t say anything. Just to be who they are with me too. Just as we are.
There is a lot of change happening for all of us right now. And for each of us it is a little different, with all the feels. I know I may not know or understand completely what is happening with you, but I want to. I care about you. Just as you are. Sending light and love to everyone. My meditative prayer is that we can continue to find each other’s hands as a means of support and genuine love, so we are able to walk each other home, thriving together, regardless of circumstance, and lean into each other, just as we are. Just as we are. Just as we are.
I have had the privilege and honor to edit and curate articles from the teachers and Sangha members of The Heart Revival Community within this time of change. I felt the calling to be able to offer others the opportunity within this time of quarantine the gift of breath, life and heart to all with insight and information that will help all of us continue to thrive together. You can preorder it through MindBody at The Heart Revival website. If questions arise about how to go about ordering, or if you can't find the necessary gears and levels to order a copy, please reach out to any teacher from The Heart Revival and we can walk you through it together. The information within the pages are pure love and joy to you. Together we thrive. With love. Heidi
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